How should I contact my birth father if he does not know I exist?

Question

I am 22, my adoptive mother was my nicu nurse. She was able to adopted me a year later so I’ve always been with them. My birth mother was involved in heavy drugs and prostitution so she left me at the hospital. I have come know my birth siblings and my moms side over the years. I finally took a DNA test to figure out my nationality and found an overwhelming amount of matches from my fathers side. One of my cousins contacted me curious on how I was related which such a difffent name. I explained my situation and that it was impossible to know who my dad was. After speaking with her we narrowed it down to a half brother of her aunt. She said she would speak to her aunt about asking him to get a dna test. I have been stalking him on Facebook and he lives 20 minutes away from me. I think he could have been married at the time I was convinced since he has a son close to my age. It’s been about 3 months and I don’t want to bug my cousin but I fear her aunt has not brought it up or he dosent want to take a test. I really wanted that dna proof before reaching out but we look ALOT alike. I’m getting anxious and want to say something. How should I go about this? Help!!

Comments

If you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

-----Rascal Flats

Answer 1

Ariana, this is a deeply personal matter and the decision, ultimately, will have to be answered by you.  I see nothing wrong with you asking the community for our opinions and you can look at the different suggestions from many different people and use the differing guidance to help you make the decision that is best for you.

I once met a financial planner and he offered sound advice.  "Whenever you are about to make a possibly life-altering decision (marriage, buying a home, taking a new job, moving to a new city, joining the military), you should first come to your decision, and then wait 90 days."

Please take your time and weigh out all of the pros and cons of reaching out to your potential biological father.  Think long and hard, and finally, come to a decision.  And once you have your decision, wait 90 days.  If you haven't changed your mind, then stay with that decision.

Some things to think about before you make your decision: does this man want to know about you?  It might be very emotionally painful if you reach out and he rejects you.  You need to be ready for that possibility because it is a real possibility.  If you do decide to reach out, you should take it very slowly.  You may let this man know that you aren't looking to change his life or upset his lifestyle and his current family.  You might let him know that you have a great curiosity about your biological family and you just want to have more details about it.

You should expect any outcome, that he will refuse to talk to you, that he will agree to meet but will refuse to be in your life, that he may want to be friends, or that he will embrace you as a daughter.  Anything is possible and you should not plan to reach out to him until you have resolved - in your own head - that you are ready for each different outcome.

Take your time, "sleep on it," and follow your gut instinct.

Wishing you the best luck in your quest.

Answer 2

This is something that Wikitree cannot help you with. Living people are not discussed and their privacy must be protected.

Answer 3

I don't know which country you are from but I would stongly urge you try to find a third party agency  specialised in this field to help you with this.

A quick google found this list applicable to the UK.https://www.itv.com/thismorning/tracing-relatives-helplines

 I'm sure there must be similar organisations in many other countries.I know that the Salvation Army works internationally.

Comments

Helen Ford--yours is an important answer to a very important question. It shows Ariana D. and hundreds or thousands of others, world wide, that genetic curiosity is valid and significant. Knowledge of itself is even more than "simply" important.

Further, My father's  birth information is known, but his father's is not. For me, that dead end is painful for me, too. My father was born in Frankfurt, Germany and he was escorted to the US after his too-young mother had found them some security in this new-to-them country.

It's my understanding, perhaps false, that "Grandpa" in this case is lost to me. So my short summary of this and your situation is that sometimes we lose in our quests for our life and life history. I too find this saddening. You are not alone.

Answer 4

Hi Ariana,

I have just been through something similar, I would be happy to chat with you if you contact me directly,

Lisa